unfortunately.

Soooooooooooooo, Andy is pissed because the Ugg boots he ordered me never got to his house even though his tracking number said that it was dropped off in front of his house. I mean I would be upset also., well I am upset now. I'm just more upset that he wasted $150 on nothing. I can always get them later for myself but the fact that it's all gone now just really suck. He was so excited to give them to me also. Boy, ohhhhhhhhhh boy.

Anyway, I would die for a pair of these right now:

yeah!! I know right? uggggggh, they are SUPER cute. I would wear them everyday for the rest of my life if I could hahah. they are ALMOST as cute as Joe Mauer ;)

they don't understand

I don't understand why I'm so afraid to lose the most important thing in my life. Makes a lot of sense, doesn't it? I find it so hard to keep my head up and it seems like every day, I just fall further and further into nothing. I've failed everyone around me. I've failed myself. What else is there possibly for me to do?

I don't have the strength to do this anymore. What's the point?

i made a mistake

I am ashamed and embarrassed and afraid to ask for help when I know that I need it more than anything. God, help me.

i'm amazed by you.

After watching Chanel, Giorgio Armani, Cristian Dior, Versace, and Jean Paul Gaultier's spring/summer 2011 fashion shows, I just realized that there is soooooooooooooooo much I still don't know about this world. This world of fashion, of art, of music, of passion, of love, of inspiration. I am so awed by everything that I have just watched tonight. There are so many different styles and such wonderful details that one would not want to miss. I am in loooooove. *sigh

Matteo Ceccarini's Petit Essai is such a great piece also!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i'll be me and you'll be you

Maybe I have let myself down and perhaps I am so close to losing everything that has ever mattered to me and probably I will pick myself up but right now, I don't know what's going to happen. I do know that there's nothing that I want more than my family, school, my best friend, and Andy. I honestly can't ask for anything more than what I have right now. I already have all that I want and after all the hard work I put in. I gave everything up; just like that. I know it sounds absurd and I myself can't even grasp who I could possibly let that happen.

After listening to a wonderful man's words last night, I have so much more confidence in myself than yesterday. I suppose in finding all that I would love, I forgot to love myself and by forgetting to love and care for myself, I lost interest in loving and caring about others. Isn't that sad? I find it a slap to the face. Getting so much out of everything, I just decided to up and quit... I always go for what I want but this time I let myself go and it just went for the worst.

I am going to pick myself up and I am going to do what I have planned for myself. Sure, things may suck at times but I can NEVER give up like how I just did recently. I felt like the shittiest person alive and even considered not living anymore. That's dumb really. I have so much more for me out there, I have so many doors yet to open, I have plenty of opportunities that are waiting just to be taken. I should appreciate myself and my life. I need to love myself and care about me. I want to be the best there could possibly be. Now, I feel like I'm on top of the world. I should feel like this all the time, even if I wake up one morning and feel like crap, I shouldn't bring myself down just because of one small feeling. The feeling of being loved, cared about, appreciated, successful is so, so, soooo much more than feeling like shit.

Thank you Andy for standing by me through this horrid period of my life. I have the utmost respect and love for you. xoxo

nothing is real

I don't know if it's because I haven't been taking my prescribed medication or whatever but I have been so out of it. I feel like all I want and care about is sleep. I don't care about friends or how anyone feels. I'm just hungry and tired. I don't care about school or how I'm doing. I just want to be alone.

I feel so shitty right now.

gaga for gaga

Reason being why I haven't blogged in forever is that my laptop is sort of dead. It isn't really dead but the screen is cracked and I haven't found the time to fix it so it's just sitting around. I should really take it in some time soon considering school is coming up. If I haven't mentioned it already, I'm all set for my first semester at the U. I am excited and scared and nervous and ecstatic all at the same time. I'm not able to sign up for ASL because I was an idiot and decided that I wouldn't need to remember ASL over the summer. I knew I should have taken a summer course! I extremely regret it right now - well actually, there are A LOT of things I do regret as of now. NOT saving money, so I won't be able to move out. NOT taking a summer ASL course, so I won't be able to take a course this fall. And, I don't know what else but that's all I can think of for now.

I will be living at home this fall and I suppose leaving my car at Andy's will be the wisest idea. I have to purchase a bus pass in order to take the bus to and from Andy's house to school. I can walk too but that wouldn't be the smartest thing to do during the winter; my toes will freeze and then fall off. Oh yes, I got season tickets to the Gopher football games. I know squat about football but I'm sure it will be fun just to go to. '

Officially back at Cub and no longer an employee of Rainbow. I feel really bad for just skipping out on them but oh well, I really can't work two jobs at once no matter how much I will want to. I mean sure, I could have probably figured the schedules out and what not but physically, I won't be able to. I have the body of an 80-year old, which is very sad. I am for sure planning to go to the gym once school starts - I'm paying for it so I might as well go, right? That's the logic in things.

Xai moved her stuff to Duluth already. I'm sort of sad I won't be going back to UMD but oh well, I've wanted what I've got now for so long now. I shouldn't look back. I am happy though. I've got a job, a car, a wonderful boyfriend, the bestest bff anyone can have, a supportive not-so-much-on-my-back anymore family, and I'm doing well.

Though I am extremely tired; I need to request a refill soon! Anyway, blog soon.

i'm like the rain in a downpour

So much has happened and I have been so busy with work, family, boyfriend, and XAI came baaaack! We went out for dinner at Olive Garden then headed over to Tanners to play bad volleyball with Daisy & co. It was fun but she had to go home early and I had to pick Villai up from her boyfriend's.

Anyway, work sucks. I think that I've complained about it every single day. The only day that I enjoyed it was the day I had a 4-hour shift. I think that's the maximum time anyone can spend working in a grocery store! I just go nuts from ALL the nuts who come in. I don't know. I just wished I got my job at Cub back so I wouldn't have to be so wlejf;lwefh;lkew about this one. I had an interview with Heritage and welllll, it just didn't happen. I get a lot of hours at Rainbow but I just can't stand it. Oh well, whatever. I suppose if I can live off of it then I'll be fine. It just sucks having to do something so ridiculous for money, to be able to live. I guess that's why I'm in college, right? Right. It'll be all over one day. I'll be working my dream job and I won't have to worry about waking up every day just to go to work. I have to convince and push myself out the door and into the car to drive to work.

Andy and I went to Lake Calhoun and Mall of America on Saturday. That for sure was the highlight of my week! I worked every single day that week and I needed a break so bad. Other than that I've just been working like a maniac. Lumberjack Days in Stillwater is coming up so I hope that I don't have to work!

The Twins are playing horribly. They've won a couple of games but that's not enough to put them back in 1st OR 2nd. Uggh, pick it up you guys!

ialwfgeklj

Right now, I wish I was really far away from here. I can't wait until school starts.

so much for the perfect bod

Uggggggh! I cannot express how frustrated I am with myself. I was supposed to work out and get that summer beach bod that I have wanted for so dang long! Instead of shopping when I'm upset, I should work out or something. I mean, yeah it makes me feel better about myself but I just can't find the motivation and drive to actually do it. I need someone to be there and to do it with me and the only other person who can do that is Andy BUT he gets upset when I slow down or quit when I'm tired, which I do a lot! Oh well, I just found this 6-week + program that is my level and I can probably do. It's every other day so I wouldn't have to worry about being so tired. I can probably pick it up and do it every day when I get better at this exercising thing. I guess when school starts, Andy will probably drag me to the gym so I wouldn't have to worry about that.

Anyway, today went well. My feet were sooooooo tired! I suppose wearing flats on a hard floor isn't the smartest especially after a long time of not standing up for so long! All I did today was put cheese on crackers and scooped the deli's steakhouse potato salad into a little sample cup. It wasn't bad, minus the 6 hours of standing but I guess I can't complain. I would have done that than cashier, its quite the busy weekend since it's a holiday but I'm glad I don't have to work this weekend. I'm watching UFC 115 w/ Andy & his friends tomorrow - its the Lesnar & Carwin fight so it's going to be huge.

I'm a tired gurrrrrrl, so peace out! ;)

Bieber fever!!!!!!!!

Justin Bieber was in the cities yesterday and unfortunately I didn't get tickets to go see him. It would have made my life but oh well, I'll get over it eventually hahah. Anyway, my best friend won't be home until August soooooo I won't get to see Eclipse until then but I'm excited to see Taylor Lautner :) I haven't gone out much and I really want to go out but we'll see what happens, I might go out Friday night with Xai's sisters but we'll see. I don't have anything to wear yet.

I start work Friday as demo lady in the deli - sounds fun doesn't it? Oh well, at least I'm starting and it's something. I have been so tired lately but I took a thousand naps today so I shouldn't be. It sucks but whatever. I just want this weekend to hurry up and be done with. I need my parents back home, taking care of 4 kids can get overwhelming so I can understand why my mother goes crazy sometimes.

Well, I picked up a book at the library and it's great so far. I should probably keep on reading. I don't want to fall back and forget about it.

oh me. oh my.

Well tomorrow is the big day. I start my first day of training at Rainbow tomorrow. Oh yeah, I haven't blogged for awhile but I got an offer from Rainbow and Gap. Sadly, I turned Gap down since it was a little too far from home and I was just a temp for the meanwhile. Anyway, I'm kind of excited and meh at the same time. I will be working an 8-hour shift tomorrow and by the time I get off, Andy will be at work. Pffft, I haven't worked forever now so it will be strange and I will be lazy, yes but hopefully things will go by fast and easy!

Ugh, I didn't know looking for a place to live would be so much work! I have to take everything into consideration! Of course I'll need to find a place that I can afford. Okay, so here's what I'll need to add up in order to find a place to live:

rent (obviously) - $350 to $400 +

food, gas, shopping for the hell of it - $250+

bills - $100, give or take - i'll be switching over to VW, so hopefully that will go down!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

overall, that adds up to about 700$. I will probably make less than 500$ a month, I might take out extra on my loans to make ends meet. *sigh, so much money! :/ I guess I will have to sacrafice a little and not spend so much leisurely but fuuuuuuck :'''(

the hardest part

I think that I have trouble doing things for myself. Even though I can be selfish at times, I always feel bad when I don't do something for someone else. Everything I do for myself, I always have to balance it out by doing something for another person. I also have a hard time saying no. I am a huge pushover and especially if I care a lot about that person, I would do so much to make them happy and I would forget about myself. Over the years I have been trying to change that - to do more for me than others. I don't think it's changing much but I suppose it takes time. But then again, I have done this all my life and I don't think that I will be able to change it.

I'm always the nice girl that everyone can ask a favor from. Sometimes I just don't want to be that nice girl anymore but I can't help it because I love helping others and I especially love it when they are happy. I'm not going to say that I'm not happy because I am! I mean sure, things could be better but whatev, I am going to appreciate what I have now. I can't wish and hope that money will grow on trees and no one will starve and there will be world peace and no more wars and everyone will love each other no matter how they look, talk, or smell. I want ALL of that to be true but if I become another cold, heartless, selfish person = ALL of that will never happen. It will never be in the works of happening.

Why can't everything just be good? :/

late night drives

I don't know about you but I love driving late at night. I do get tired some times but on those nights when I'm wide awake and there is so much on my mind, I just like to go out and cruise down the street. I also love it when others are driving and I'm just sitting there staring off into the horizon. It's time like those when I feel so at rest and peaceful.

So, good news - the store manager at Rainbow had me go in to fill out a sheet for a background check and if it comes back positive then he is going to make me a job offer. Since I don't live the life of crimes, I might be a future employee of Rainbow Foods. Not exactly the dream job anyone would want but it's something for now and it is giving me some pocket money so I'm not complaining too much. Gap says they'll let us know by tomorrow night so we'll see how that goes.

Andy's mom, Kathy, is moving out friday so I will be heading to Stillwater for the day. I don't know what else I will be doing this weekend but probably not much. The 'rents are leaving for vaca tomorrow so I wish them a fun and safe trip to the west coast! I am super tired and I have a long day tomorrow so blog later :)

happy father's day!

* the kids w/ grandma

*the kids with dad

*the kids with mom

Today was a nice little day with the family. We went to Como Park to have a nice little picnic in celebration of father's day & Neda's early birthday. Afterwards we went over to Como Zoo and holy crap it was hot! I was sweating like a pig & my feet were killing me! I haven't walked that much for awhile now and it wasn't easy. I haven't been to the zoo forever now. Andy and I were supposed to go that one day but they had an event going on so it didn't happen but it looks so different. I don't remember it looking like that but it was nice just to visit everything again. I miss Andy!!!!! I should probably call him soon, huh? Oh well. I'll do that soon. I am so tired! I wish I can just sleep but that wouldn't be the smartest idea right now. Interview with Gap tomorrow! Hope that or Rainbow works out for me. My knee is killing me & I've got to do the dishes so TA-TA :)

whhhew.

I guess being persistent AND patient will pay off in the long run. I got a call from Gap today, I have an interview on Monday sooooooooo we'll see how that goes. Its another group interview but I guess they do that for 1 reason - to see who shines and who's willing to step their game up. I guess there are both advantages and disadvantages when answering the questions first & last. Anyway, I didn't do anything all day today! I feel like such a bum. I didn't get up til 1, then played solitaire on my IPod alllllllllll day. I went from a fully charged IPod and now its about dead. Oh well, I guess its better than being on facebook all day. I was supposed to go for a run today but Andy wouldn't let because it was dangerous and he's right. My mom & Neda walked so if I ran, I would have been way ahead of them and running alone at Phalen isn't exactly the smartest thing to do.

Big end of the week this week. Here's the run down of what's happening:

thursday - volunteer @ special olympics, help Kathy wrap dishes & clean house

friday - interview @ 2:30, Toy Story 3 w/ Andy

saturday & sunday - ?? I don't know yet right now. I want to go out but I think we might have a grad party for Padee

monday - interview @ 10

Well, I guess that isn't such a big weekend but whatever. There are more things happening this weekend than any other weekend that I've had so far hahah. I am currently obsessed with Eminem's love the way you lie and space bound. I don't usually listen to him but hey, I like it. His words are deep and scary but it's just sad, really.

Anywhooooooo, I need to shower. I have been so dang tired, I need to go to bed early tonight so I can get up way before 2. HAHAAA

from Andy

just having u in my life and both of us being happy and things are good is a gift enough for me!

yaaaay?

I finally saw Andy again last night, I missed him so much! I don't remember when the last time I saw him was but yeah, I think it's been awhile. I bought him the new UFC video game that he so dearly wanted. I guess it made up for missing his birthday last year but I don't know, hopefully he likes it. I got the honor of playing the first game and I was Brock Lesnar and surprisingly, I beat Shane Carwin. Hopefully it goes the same for their fight at UFC 115! :)

Anyway, good news this morning. Rainbow called me and I have an interview on friday at 2:30! I am waaaaay excited & I hope I get this job. I have been at Cub Foods for awhile so I should know what the dealio is but it would be nice to be able to have something to do. I am expecting the pay not to be so wonderful but if I do end up moving out, I would probably have to take extra out of my loans to pay for rent and what not. But hopefully everything turns out right . . eventually.

Andy and I am volunteering at the MN Special Olympics this thursday at the U's Bierman Field. I'm excited because it gives me something to to do and it'll be better than just laying around. We might go over to his mom's house afterwards to help her pack her stuff. Then on friday, Toy Story 3 comes out!!!!!!!!! I am soooooo excited for it! hahaha, I feel like a kid again but that's fine :) I'm glad I got more pills, I have been so tired lately but hopefully my pills help increase my hormones so I can wake up a little! Well I'm going to go finish my book, I have been reading it off and on. GEEZ! I am very upset at Ali on the Bachelorette!!!! I can't believe she picked Kasey to give the dang rose to!!!! HE'S A FREAAAAAAAAK!!!! :( Oh well, I'm sure he won't be around long but still. UREJ:GWLEKJ:GHGGGGGH.

vampires and werewolves

Since I have absolutely nothing to do right now, I am looking at the new Eclipse movie. Yes, I watch the movies (even though they're not great) and I've read all the books but I'm kind of excited about this one. Taylor Lautner is still gorgeous as ever plus now there's a new vampire who is also gorgeous! I don't know his name right now but it doesn't matter because no one can beat Kellan Lutz; the gorgeous man who plays Emmett Cullen.

*drools! Isn't he just scrumptious? AHHHHHHH:) I'm just going crazy now but he is handsome and he has a super sexy voice. Even Taylor Lautner can't beat that!

Buzz Lightyear to the rescuuue!

Okay, this looks a little different but I suppose I can fix it later. Anyway, Andy went out with his friends tonight so I get to stay home and do nothing. I wish Xai was home so we can go to the club. It sounds kind of fun tonight - the theme at Epic is Hello Kitty. I'm bored out of my mind. I haven't done anything all day today. I got up, took Chiangkhai to his friend's house, came home and napped, woke up to pick him up, came back home and watched Rush Hour, and Toy Story 1 & 2. I kind of wish I had something to do. Maybe if the weather wasn't so nasty, I would probably go do something or go out by myself. I was telling Xai how sad I'll be when she leaves. The only other person I'll hang out with is Andy, unless I go out with Laurine or Maichee but other than that, pfft. Ugh, I'm feeling a little irritated right now but I'm just going to let it go.

Anyway, I'll probably look at more available apartments since my browser suddenly closed down on me so I wasn't able to save any of the places that I wanted but blog later! TA-TAAAAAAA, oh yeah I'll you guys a picture of my siblings and I. My sister, Padee, is the graduate and you will see her in her cap and gown

what if I wanted to break?

laugh it all off in your face

what would you do?

what if i fell to the floor

couldn't take all this anymore

what would you do, do, do?

I don't know what happened last night but I think I just kind of snapped. I took out all my anger and stress and released it at Andy. I have been holding it back and running away from it. I thought that just as long as I'm not home and sitting around then I will be okay but I guess I was wrong. Andy was just being playful but my anger and impatience lashed out at him and hurt him. I broke down and I just didn't know what to say to him. He did absolutely nothing wrong, he was just sick and wanted medicine. I felt horrible, there was nothing that I could have said to take back the last few weeks that I have felt so held down. I have been struggling to keep up with the world. I want to live in a world where I will just get what I want and things just happen to go the way I want them to.

I guess I was so used to everything being so good that I forgot about the rest of the world. That sounds so selfish and I was being selfish. It's not fair to anyone else. I have been holding my own interest over others. I should never do that unless I deserved it and I sure don't deserve it right now. I need to start putting others before me, especially my family and my best friend, plus my boyfriend. I need to be a better daughter, sister, friend, and girlfriend . . . and I have to be good to myself at the same time.

Yesterday at dinner, I got a fortune cookie and it told me to be patient because when I am, good things will come. I hope that's true. I will be patient and I will be myself again. I have lost myself and now its time to get Padao back.

texting in a blog isn't so smart HA

okay, this was from last night. i dont know why they turned my 1 long text into 7 short texts sooooooo ya, but here:

Andy is watching the Lakers game while I sit on the couch. I might as well blog about my day so far I suppose.

Delia*s interview went okay I guess. I don't know if I got it or not because they said they were going to call me so we'll see what happens. If I don't then hopefully Forever 21 calls me or something. I'm kind of upset because it was a group interview but those other two girls were nice and they seem cool.

I had the chance to hang out w/ xai today so that was nice. I'm going to miss her but she needs this trip and hopefully she comes back soon. Dinner was good too. Maichee, Pater, and Narra was there so it wasn't so awkward for us. Dat's friends looked just like him it was kind of funny. Anyway, I guess I can watch the last quarter of the game. "Support" the Lakers, I'll do it for andy I suppose hahaha

* Oh yeah, the Lakers lost by the way. Andy wasn't so happy about that so he was in a bad mood the rest of the night but oh well. He was sweet when we got up this morning. :)

Today is the last day of school for St. Paul kids so now I'll have company at home. Haven't really done much today other than I finished my online orientation sections so I don't have to attend the full day orientation at school. I suppose I can look up student organizations I can join and actually make an effort to attend meetings. I suppose since I'll have a job during school too, it'll be harder but at least I'll get to know more people. I'm excited to start school again & I can't wait to see how it goes. I need to do my laundry but I don't feel like it hahahaaaa gawdddd, I am lazy.

I had something else to say but I can't think of it now. TA-TAAAA!

meooow!

Cuuuuuuute little kitties! I want them :( but I probably won't get one for awhile. Well if I do get one, I'd have to get another one so he or she can have a play buddy while I'm not home. They are the cutest little things!

Anyway, I got a letter from the U in the mail earlier and I guess I'm just a week earlier because I've been so darn anxious & impatient but I guess over the few weeks, I'll slowly be receiving emails and letters from there about the process so I'll just be a good girl and wait. I have an interview with Delia*s today at 3:30! Hopefully I get it and if I don't, then I hope Forever 21 calls me. I would love to work at Forever 21 but Delia*s is a nice little store and I wouldn't mind either. I just really need a job now, to keep me busy and to get a little income. It'll be a far drive from home but its fine I suppose. I can't really complain right now. Maybe when school starts it'll be better and if not, I'll just look somewhere else. Everyone's back for the summer and they get their jobs back so maybe during the fall, they would leave for school or something. I would have to keep my job so I will be able to pay for rent. Speaking of rent, there isn't an apartment or room I can rent out at the moment. Everything is a sublease for the summer and I just don't want the summer. Its kind of hard finding places to live around the U, everyone lives over there and the ones thats nice are far & a lot more than what I can afford. So hopefully it will come along.

Last night was my little sister's graduation. It was quite long considering that they had 700+ graduates there plus all the speeches and performances. It took about 2 hours and a half. Brickbreaker and the slow dozing off kept me company. Congratulations to her! She will be attending St. Ben's in the fall and hopefully she does well there. On the other hand, I will be happy or I hope I will be happy with my choices this fall. I still don't know where I will be able to obtain my ASL interpretation license but I suppose I can figure that out along the way. You can get your BA at St. Kate's but I don't want to go to the U and St. Kate's at the same time. It'll be so much work and just a huge hassle. Maybe I can do something about it during the summer? I guess I'll speak with my adviser when I meet him or her.

So much going on but all we can do is wait and be patient. I guess it just takes time, especially with things like that. Well today I will be hanging out with my bff! FINALLY! We needed some bonding time and today will be it. I don't know what exactly we're going to be doing at the mall for 4 hours while we wait for Dat's dinner at 7 but I guess we'll figure that out later. I don't want to spend money I don't have even though its so damn tempting! ugggggh. And dinner with Dat is at 98 pounds, I don't know what kind of restaurant that is but oh well! BEEZUS! I almost forgot to print out directions there. Well, blog later! :) & good luck to me @ the interview.

me. me. me.

I guess tonight is the night to blog? I don't know how I feel right now. I want to cry but I feel sick at the same time. I wish I can sleep forever. Why am I always worried about stuff? I don't know why. I feel like if I'm not in control of some sort, I will lose myself and go crazy and just stress about everything there is to stress about. I just want order and things to go as planned. I hate it when plans don't turn out right. I need a base to stand on. If I don't, I will fall over.

things never go as planned. not everything is right. you cant always get your way. there is no order. ;walrjweoiksdnxm xk,fams.lkafnwelfja;weoijf eroi r

i just want to sleep and forget about tonight. why cant i just live? 4uhtp;htbfrlfdk

family

I might be joking myself but I want my relationship with Andy to be a serious one. If I just wanted a fling, I wouldn't have tried so hard to be with him. Andy is Caucasian and I am Hmong. We are from two different worlds with different backgrounds who share the same interest for each other. I have met his mother, Kathy, who is the dearest person I have ever known and his sister, Betsy, who I would like to get to know more. I have yet to meet his father and I am afraid but I still want to meet him and I am willing to give him a chance.

Andy on the other hand just feels uncomfortable meeting my family. Of the 2 years that we have known each other, he hasn't met my family once - not even my friends! It just makes me sad that he thinks that they won't like him; he hasn't even given them a chance yet. My family knows about Andy and me. They approve of it and they never stopped me from talking or hanging out with him. All they care about is my happiness and that I still do well in college. That's it. I'm not going to force him to meet my family when he isn't ready to but I just wanted my family to know him and vice versa. Like I said, I want my relationship with Andy to be serious and it involves my family and friends too because they mean a great deal to me.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just letting this get to me too much or perhaps I'm on my period and my emotions are just running wild. I just really wish that he wouldn't be so afraid or uncomfortable.

rain, rain go away

I'm kidding actually. I do enjoy the rain when there's no thunder of course. I hate thunderstorms! I don't understand why I'm so afraid of thunder, it just scares me. I suppose I am just a safe, no loud sounds kind of girl. Sometimes I feel like the thunder is going to blow my ear drums and I am going to assume that will hurt. I stay away from anything that will hurt me. I am constantly flinching at everything, unless I was upset or really angry then maybe it would be more work to scare me off.

Well, its day 34203948 of searching for a job and I am unsuccessful. I found out this morning that Forever 21 at Maplewood Mall & MOA are hiring sooooo after dropping my sister off at her graduation rehearsal, I will be traveling all over the twin cities with my dearest boyfriend to drop off applications and possibly pick some up? I don't know yet. Right now, I don't know where else to look and its been such a stressful time for me. I will probably give Rainbow a few days before calling since the store manager said that he will be going through the applications on Monday. I wouldn't want my work to be rushed if I was the boss but we're all different so who knows. Um, on the good side of things, I got my orientation date confirmed - July 20. Check-in time will be from 8:00 - 8:30 AM. That means I have to get up SUPER early, maybe 6? on a tuesday to get ready then go to the U. I don't know if I will be driving and parking at the U or maybe I'll drop the car off at Andy's house and make him walk with me? I guess it all just depends on how early I get there. Walking would be great considering that there are a million pedestrians/bikers who so awesomely swarm the streets and it's impossible not to hit one.

So apparently my doctor is booked until September, which means I can't get an appointment to see her until then. I can get a lab done but if my thyroid level is down or up, they might have to change my prescription and all that crazy stuff so it's so much hassle and work but oh well. I need my pills anyway, its been too long since I've taken one and it's starting to take a toll on me. I have been extremely lethargic and lazy but that's just it. I'm not the worst of whatever out there but I guess we all have our own problems? I don't know.

Had JJ and watched old UFC fights with Andy last night. He was upset so I went over to cheer him up a little. His roommate is back so he won't have to worry about always being home alone and what not. It was a nice bonding time. We talked and what not. I'm starting to feel the relationship; it feels real now. I think that the many times I have been let down and ignored by him in the past made me skeptical of this relationship. I don't know why I tried so hard and what not but I guess now that I get what I want, I am happy with it. Sometimes I'm just scared that he'll just stop talking to me like how he did back then. I just don't want to get hurt, that's why at times I feel like how I did back then when it was just whatever. But it's different now. I can tell. He is a boyfriend now and not someone who might still be looking for something else.

I was texting Xai and the whole idea of me being happy because I'm with him now came up. I didn't question if I was happy or not. I am happy, extremely happy. I can't ask for anything or anyone else right now (other than a job of course) but everything is fine. I'm worrying too much! You know what, I'm just going to live with him day by day and we will see where it takes us. I will love him with all that I've got and give him all of me. He deserves it and we both don't want to be hurt. Even though we don't have much material wise, we have each other and that is all that matters :)

monday and a hotpocket

Today was a slow day. I got kind of excited because I thought that I would be able to register for classes today butttttt I guess I have a checklist to go through, which kind of blows. I have to do an online orientation, wait for my placement test results for french to come back, and then schedule a transfer student orientation. I'm going to go ahead and assume that all this won't be happening until later this month or possibly even next? Beezus! I wish things would hurry up. I'm going to give Rainbow a couple of days before I blow their phones but I hope they call me before I call them. Uggggh.

Last night was great. Andy took me out on a "date". It was spontaneous and cute. We saw Get Him to Greek and wow, that movie was funnnnnnny! I didn't think it was going to be that funny but it was and I think that Andy and I had a great time laughing. I miss him. I think I'm getting used to seeing him a lot and sleeping with him at night but I'm sure I'll see plenty of him this fall. Oh yeah, I had to turn down the apartment on 11th because it was just a sublease for the summer so whaaaatever. I'm sure it would have been weird to move in with 3 other girls who are already close with each other. I just wish a nice studio would open up so I wouldn't have to worry about roommates or what not. So much to stress out about. My phone bill is another thing to worry about too. :*(

I just found out that Xai will be gone for the rest of the summer possibly? Maybe until late July, well that's practically the whole summer. She will be in Milwaukee :( I am sad nooooooow. Boo hoooo hoooooooo! Well I just hope she has tons of fun and she will forget about the dumbass, piece of shit, good for nothing asshole! urrrrrrgh.

mad world

their tears are filling up their glasses

no expression, no expression

hide my head i wanna down my sorrow

no tomorrow, no tomorrow

I miss my friend Mario Lopez. I haven't talked with him forever now but he's busy doing his own thing & whatever. That song just reminded me of him . .

Anyway, I miss my bestestestestestest fraaaaaand! I haven't seen her since, monday? & I barely get to talk to her now but hopefully we'll get to hang out more before she goes back to Duluth & I stay here and attend the school of my dreams! hahah kidding about the school of my dreams, but I've always always always wanted to go there so I am extremely excited :) I will miss my dear Duluthians though!

Well my interview with Sears on Friday was a disaster. I didn't know that the sales associate position I applied for was for tools/lawn & garden care. The manager of the department was extremely handsome but I didn't even care anymore after I found out. I was just like what the fuuuuuuuck is this shit! I bet he was surprised to see a girl in stilettos applying for the position, so we all knew that was going down the drain. Whatever, I wouldn't have liked the job anyway because you get paid on commission so if you can't sell, well you ain't getting paid! I mean it was nice of him to give me a chance but I think after I said "half-ass" it all just went downhill from there. Oh well. Andy helped or more like he applied for a job FOR me at Rainbow Foods & they're looking for cashiers & I have extensive experience with that so hopefully they call and I get it. Even if its a shitty job, at least I've got something to do and a little income so I can get my own apartment.

I'm slightly upset because due to the lack of employment, I have lost TWO of the potential apartments that I wanted. The first one was a house on Cleveland Ave right across from the St. Paul campus for $300 (utilities included) AND I could have gotten the kitty I wanted, which couldn't have gotten better than that but unfortunately someone wanted it and got it so whatev! The second one was a studio on Raymond Ave, a block down from Cleveland Ave, for $325. Slow, no job me didn't get it either. I would not dare sign a lease without a job. I will not ask my parents for rent money, that's ridiculous. *sigh, I haven't been this stressed and frustrated for awhile now. Hopefully I get a call from Rainbow, sweep them off their feet, get hired, then find a nice place I can settle in, AND then finally register for classes. Maybe then I will feel better about myself but I am so close to seriously cutting my social life until I feel good. But I think I pretty much did already, uwlej;awgjlwekj;lejf. fuuuuuuck!

I just found out that Kayla is pregnant and will be getting married in a year. I am happy for her if she's happy but I used to remember how we would tease her for being a kid. She is so young! I miss those old days with the 4 of us but whatever, HC is a total skizzank now and Kayla is preggers. Just Xai & me left. Its alllllllllllll good. Its always been like that and I'm fine with it. She's the best friend anyone could ever ask for! :) I seriously don't know who I would be if we never became best friends.

rain, rain go awaaaaaaay! come back another day. i want to go work on my tan gurrrrl :) hahahaaa

you're still here

you looked at me and saw what i never could see

you made me be more than i thought i could ever be

and when i needed a friend

you were always there to lift me up

to make me strong, youre not gone

Right now, I don't know if I should feel like a terrible person or if I shouldn't care as much as I really do. I can't say that I'm at rock bottom but I feel like I am. I don't know what else to do but wait for something great to happen . . . wait for an answer. I'm waiting for an official yes from the U, a registration date, an interview that I hope I will do great on in order to get the job I need, money, a place to live, and a car. It's really frustrating and I feel like I have been waiting so long that my patience can no longer take this. I find myself in this struggle and I don't want to ask anyone for help. I don't know why I'm so stubborn but I want to be independent so bad. Now all I want to do is cry. I just hope that one day it'll turn around for the better. Hopefully soon because I don't know how long I will be able to wait anymore.

help me :'''(

dear Joe Mauer,

i want to tell you how much i love you. you are gorgeous in every way possible and the way you play your position is wonderfullllllllll. when you come up to bat, i cant help but yell out your name and cheer, cheer, CHEER for you! you are awesommme! i might sound a bit creepy but i love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu :)

hahahah

xoxo, padao

have you ever looked fear in the face ?

and said I just dont care ?

its only half past the point of no return

the tip of the iceberg, the sun before the burn

the thunder before lightening, the breath before the phrase

have you ever felt this way ?

So the job search has almost come to an end but maybe I shouldn't speak for myself too quickly. I applied as a sales associate at Sears and I have an interview on Friday @ 3PM. Hopefully I get the job so I wouldn't have to worry about finding a dang job anymore - if I don't, hopefully Kohls calls me back and offers me a position.

Yesterday Andy, Kathy, and I went to buffalo wild wings to watch UFC 114: Rampage vs Evans. We got there kind of early so we sat around and had appetizers. I just got sick after awhile but their berry lemonade is great! I don't even know how many refills I had. We were there for awhile, the fights didn't really start until 8:30-ish. The fight didn't turn out as I expected. All Rashad did was dance around and pin Rampage up against the fence but oh well, we were there for Andy and hopefully he enjoyed his saturday night.

There's a picnic on monday at Mounds but I don't know if I will be attending or not. I haven't decided yet, we'll see what happens. I will probably end up going because I don't have anything to do and I haven't seen my friends for awhile now. Andy and I are going to valleyfair with Chris and Lindsey on tuesday. I hope the weather will be nice and everything goes well.

belly button piercing = trashy?!!

Im on some new shit

Im chuckin my deuces up to her
Im moving on to something better, better, better
No more tryin to make it work
You made me wanna say bye bye, say bye bye, say bye bye to her

okay, so Andy and I had a talk about getting my belly pierced after getting it firmed up (we're planning to do P90X soon) & he says that its trashy. I don't really think trashy is really the word for it. I mean a lot of things can be trashy if you make it appear trashy. I think its really cute and it looks nice on nice bodies (example above) - I'm kind of hesitant about getting one since I do plan on having kids one day but we will see. I have yet to get a tattoo too but I don't really know how I feel about that one anymore.

I want a kitty! I found the cutest one the animal humane society's website!!!! Hopefully I will be able to get one when I move out. I wish Andy was able to get a husky puppy right now! I also found 2 really cute ones, oh well maybe one day. :)

maybe someday

you can go, you can start all over again

you could try to find a way to make another day go by

you can hide, hold all your feelings inside

you could try to carry on when all you wanna do is cry

My birthday was great, overall. On thursday, Andy and I were supposed to go to the zoo but they closed at 4 for a private event so that didn't happen. We drove back to his house, sat around, decided to go to Chipotle then for a movie at AMC - we watched Robin Hood. It wasn't bad but could have been better. We also stopped by the mall and he bought me a nice little gift that I picked out. On friday, we went to the Twins vs Brewers game. It was great! Target Field looks sweet and the game was also pretty nice. Twins won 15-3

Yesterday, the girls (Xai & Laurine) and I went out for ice cream at Izzy's on Marshall. It was really good and the shop smelled great :), I just got a root beer float. I don't know why I was feeling a root beer float but I haven't had one since 5th grade! It was good. Afterwards, we went to pick Maichee up from the west side and got lost but it was fine - finally found her house! Tomnema & Meng decided to come with also, & Pater and Narra showed up a little later but we karaoke at Do Re Mi in Eagan. It was a drive but we had fun. Andy was a little upset but oh well, whatever. At this point, I'm just like whatever now; if this isn't going to work out ,I don't know what else to do. Its like fighting for the same thing over and over and over again even though you know no matter how hard you try or no matter what you do, it will always be the same. It kills me but I might just be in denial. I don't know . . .

me & Andy at the Twins game .

all i ever wanted

i convinced myself that over dont mean over

and i convinced myself that i could fix it all,

two dreams collided maybe,

we got too excited for our own good

I seriously don't know how we will be able to do this for the rest of our lives. It has been 2 years already and we still fight and argue like we did the first time, maybe its really time to just let things go. Forget about everything, you know? I might be in denial because I don't want to let this go. I keep telling myself each day that this is going to work, that things will change, that we will sacrifice for each other. I understand that I messed up and only time will be able to fix this but I'm afraid we don't have time. We both are getting old and we need to move on or fix this. No matter what I do or say now will budge you at all. I don't know but I think that I might just be scared to let this go. I shouldn't be right? I should be strong and I should know what's best for me and what's not but why can't I get over the fact that its not going to work

but then again, why is he still here ? . . .

if there's one thing i believe

i believe i will see you somewhere down the road

I think that I just fucked everything up for myself & for Andy. He says that I'm a compulsive liar - I don't think that I am. I was really trying to look for my best friend but I did lie to him about not having a drink. I didn't think that I was going to get that fucked up. There are no words to describe how I feel right now. Its like I want to apologize - and I did, but at the same time its just like it is what it is. We have been trying to make this work for 2 years, if its not going to work out now, its probably not going to ever. I have tried and he gave this a chance so we can't do anything right now. He does deserve better and I have been a shitty girlfriend ? I go out, I have fun. I don't know how that makes me shitty but I guess he is serious about our relationship. I was serious about it too until he kept breaking up with me every other day - seriously, if he deserves better then I think I do too. Maybe this is a good thing. Maybe it was meant to be like this. Maybe . . . just maybe.