coffee stains on your favorite book

Thursday is just around the bend and by then I will have to forget Saint Paul. I have had the worst and best days of my life in one week. I really don't know where to start, its been so long since I've blogged and really I'm not in the mood for it at the mo but maybe once thursday rolls around the bend and I settle in my new home, maybe I'll lift my gateway's head and write something.

twenty-two more days

No calls, no texts, no messages on Facebook from him today yet . . . I went over to B's house today after my eye exam and believe or not he wants to hook up with me. Are you kidding me? I did have a thing for him but I obviously don't anymore. I'm sorry but I just had to walk away from that, I can't handle him especially now. I just don't understand why after not taking the chance the first time, he would ask me for one more chance now that I am leaving to Duluth in 22 days. No lie, he looks good and I wouldn't give that piece of hunk up but I have my heart and mind set on some other guy. And speaking of that other guy, I am really worried about him. I want to call and see how he is doing but space is what he asked for so I will respect that and listen to him.

I drove around town today wondering what else is going to happen in 22 days. What else will I stumble on before I leave town and don't come back until Christmas break. No lie, I am going to miss the stinking city. I am going to miss sweet-n-sour Houachoua. I am going to miss my overprotective, cheap mother. I am going to miss my overly energized grandmother. I am going to miss my dad and our silent conversations. I am going to miss my sisters Padee, Villai, and Vaneda. I am going to miss my baseball buddy of a brother Chiangkhai or whatever he wants to be called these days. I am going to miss the house that sits in the middle of the best and worst neighborhood ever. I am going to miss my lilac colored walls and my desk which I built with my own hands. I am going to miss driving to Cub Foods via Edgerton and County Rd B. I am going to miss working at Cub Foods, believe it or not. I am going to miss out on the last days of the Minnesota State Fair. I am going to miss driving for sure cause my mother thinks that overdramatic hills in Duluth are too much of a danger for me during the winter and I won't disagree with her on that. I am going to especially miss my late night trips back from Stillwater. But for now let's just there are a lot of things I am going to miss . . . especially him, Kathy, Hoosier, Henry, and Linus.

But time will change things and it will all be different.

mr lion

He cracked today, I don't know if he was just so overwhelmed with what I was feeding him but he cracked. I have never heard him cry before, nor feel so sad and mad and hurt and frustrated. So now I am here. In fact, I don't know where I am. I have called and left messages with my darkest, deepest secret enclosed in them. I have sent him text messages that offer apologies and what ever else he may have wanted to hear. He said I don't know how he feels but my eyes are puffy and they hurt. I have an eye exam for contacts tomorrow, hopefully my eyes won't give away telltale signs of a long night.

He wants me to listen to him, to respect him but it is all too late now. I should have listened to him a year ago. I can't do anything but look at him from behind a sturdy, clear wall and watch him swallow gulp after gulp of vodka. I should have listened and I should have noticed that that was all he wanted. He gave up so much, he was so nice to me. He has the kindest and biggest heart that I have ever seen. It all hides behind his face though. I don't know where this will end and how it will end. All I wish for right now, is that he will be okay. I can't find the right words to tell him, to comfort him with but I hope someone who has the right words will come around soon. I pray to God that he will be okay, that he will hold on for dear life.