twenty-two more days

No calls, no texts, no messages on Facebook from him today yet . . . I went over to B's house today after my eye exam and believe or not he wants to hook up with me. Are you kidding me? I did have a thing for him but I obviously don't anymore. I'm sorry but I just had to walk away from that, I can't handle him especially now. I just don't understand why after not taking the chance the first time, he would ask me for one more chance now that I am leaving to Duluth in 22 days. No lie, he looks good and I wouldn't give that piece of hunk up but I have my heart and mind set on some other guy. And speaking of that other guy, I am really worried about him. I want to call and see how he is doing but space is what he asked for so I will respect that and listen to him.

I drove around town today wondering what else is going to happen in 22 days. What else will I stumble on before I leave town and don't come back until Christmas break. No lie, I am going to miss the stinking city. I am going to miss sweet-n-sour Houachoua. I am going to miss my overprotective, cheap mother. I am going to miss my overly energized grandmother. I am going to miss my dad and our silent conversations. I am going to miss my sisters Padee, Villai, and Vaneda. I am going to miss my baseball buddy of a brother Chiangkhai or whatever he wants to be called these days. I am going to miss the house that sits in the middle of the best and worst neighborhood ever. I am going to miss my lilac colored walls and my desk which I built with my own hands. I am going to miss driving to Cub Foods via Edgerton and County Rd B. I am going to miss working at Cub Foods, believe it or not. I am going to miss out on the last days of the Minnesota State Fair. I am going to miss driving for sure cause my mother thinks that overdramatic hills in Duluth are too much of a danger for me during the winter and I won't disagree with her on that. I am going to especially miss my late night trips back from Stillwater. But for now let's just there are a lot of things I am going to miss . . . especially him, Kathy, Hoosier, Henry, and Linus.

But time will change things and it will all be different.

mr lion

He cracked today, I don't know if he was just so overwhelmed with what I was feeding him but he cracked. I have never heard him cry before, nor feel so sad and mad and hurt and frustrated. So now I am here. In fact, I don't know where I am. I have called and left messages with my darkest, deepest secret enclosed in them. I have sent him text messages that offer apologies and what ever else he may have wanted to hear. He said I don't know how he feels but my eyes are puffy and they hurt. I have an eye exam for contacts tomorrow, hopefully my eyes won't give away telltale signs of a long night.

He wants me to listen to him, to respect him but it is all too late now. I should have listened to him a year ago. I can't do anything but look at him from behind a sturdy, clear wall and watch him swallow gulp after gulp of vodka. I should have listened and I should have noticed that that was all he wanted. He gave up so much, he was so nice to me. He has the kindest and biggest heart that I have ever seen. It all hides behind his face though. I don't know where this will end and how it will end. All I wish for right now, is that he will be okay. I can't find the right words to tell him, to comfort him with but I hope someone who has the right words will come around soon. I pray to God that he will be okay, that he will hold on for dear life.