i miss you so much

the lonely

2 AM, where do I begin.

crying off my face again.

I may have just ruined any possible chances of being friends with Andy. But it's okay because he doesn't need a piece of shit like me in his life. I have ruined everything for me. I have let him down. I have stabbed his back multiple times. I thought that I was the perfect girlfriend but unfortunately I was blinded by my own selfish thoughts and needs. I am a horrible, horrible person. It's all my fault that we're even in this situation.

Now there's only me. I honestly don't know where to start with myself. I am in such a mess. I seriously need to get my shit together. All I care about now is sleeping or laying in bed with ice cream, P.S. I Love You, and a box of Kleenex.

This is ridiculous but I have no hope for me. I need confidence. I need to find myself. I need to go into my closet and find where I put my independence because hell, I'm going to need it. Nobody said it was easy, right?

the end

is today.

i guess this is the best that we can both do. i shouldn't cry because i know that it won't get any better than this. we tried. we did our best.

better to have loved than not. good luck Andy. i wish you the best and always. i will forever be your friend as long as you let me. thanks for everything.

you made it now

I don't know where I stand right now as a person. I feel so lost by myself but with others around me, I don't even know who I am. Sometimes I wish I had an answer key that I could just look at. Life itself is already confusing and I honestly thought that I had my life figured out - that I already know what I want. When I hear other college students talk about how they don't know what to do yet, I feel happy but right now, I'm in the same situation.

I feel like I'm going to break down every second that I stop to think about things.

My situation with Andy isn't going anywhere either. We have big fights every single week and now I can't take it anymore. I don't want this with him. I want a fun relationship with lots of laughter and joy and we can't even have that. I'm depressed and this is just killing the both of us.

He doesn't talk to me like he does to his friends. He doesn't tell me what's going on in his life and where he is and how he feels. When he has problems, he doesn't even come to me. I feel like I'm just there to fill time and to fill his void of not having a lot of friends. I don't know what else I can say to him. He doesn't even want to talk about this and if we don't, it's never going to fix anything.

I feel like he tries so hard, maybe even TOO hard to be happy with me. It's not supposed to be like that. It's supposed to be natural, it's supposed to come out because he's feeling it, not because he's making himself feel it.

why do i feel that it's my fault?

i just want to fix it somehow

but how many times will it take to get it right? .. .

As of recently, I have had numerous battles with myself on what I want to do with my life. I am not talented with whatever so I obviously can't quit school and become a professional swimmer or whatever. All I have and can actually do good at is school but lately I have been doing a really shitty job. I don't know why I feel like I'm just a big failure. I can't even understand what's going on in my head, which makes it the more hard to understand what my professor is talking about in phonetics.

I have been a real shit person. I wish things didn't have to be like this.