I don't know where I have been this past 5 months. I feel like I know what I want and what I am doing but apparently I don't. I feel lost in a sea of other monsters whom love to take more than give. I have been ashamed and embarrassed by the one I love. I have gone to the ends of the world with this person I cherish. And I come out as "[his] real bitchy girlfriend".
Where I stand in his life now makes no difference. I have seriously got to get myself together. Everything I have ever done has been half-assed. There has been no real attempt to be 110% at something. Even I'm failing in the one thing I most wanted - our relationship. I vow to myself that starting today, I will do my best and try my hardest at every thing I attempt to do or in an
y relationship I am in.
I finally came to the realization on why I don't have friends. I don't open myself up enough for people to approach me and have a comfortable conversation. I limit my visitations and appearances at events. I am too protective of myself. I don't want to get hurt emotionally and physically. I love drama but not in my life. I need too much attention to pay any to others. I only care about myself and what I want. I am a selfish person. I am lazy and not determined. I am a pathetic excuse. I feel sorry for myself. I really do...
I don't want to be like that anymore. I don't want to ever have to say that about myself anymore. I want to be the most open, friendly, patient, empathetic person alive. I want to be strong, motivated, and independent. I want to be resilient. I want to be
liked and I want to like.
I have to learn how to admit to my mistakes and own up to them. I have to have courage and I have to be honest. With myself, with others. I need to become the person who I want to be, not the person I am now.
Most importantly, I need to learn to love myself.
* the one person who has stood behind me even when I have failed,
the one person who has pushed me back up,
the one person who has held back tears and angry words just to see me happy,
the one person who has given up because of me....
Andy, I will always love you & I'm sorry.
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