me. me. me.

I guess tonight is the night to blog? I don't know how I feel right now. I want to cry but I feel sick at the same time. I wish I can sleep forever. Why am I always worried about stuff? I don't know why. I feel like if I'm not in control of some sort, I will lose myself and go crazy and just stress about everything there is to stress about. I just want order and things to go as planned. I hate it when plans don't turn out right. I need a base to stand on. If I don't, I will fall over.

things never go as planned. not everything is right. you cant always get your way. there is no order. ;walrjweoiksdnxm xk,fams.lkafnwelfja;weoijf eroi r

i just want to sleep and forget about tonight. why cant i just live? 4uhtp;htbfrlfdk

family

I might be joking myself but I want my relationship with Andy to be a serious one. If I just wanted a fling, I wouldn't have tried so hard to be with him. Andy is Caucasian and I am Hmong. We are from two different worlds with different backgrounds who share the same interest for each other. I have met his mother, Kathy, who is the dearest person I have ever known and his sister, Betsy, who I would like to get to know more. I have yet to meet his father and I am afraid but I still want to meet him and I am willing to give him a chance.

Andy on the other hand just feels uncomfortable meeting my family. Of the 2 years that we have known each other, he hasn't met my family once - not even my friends! It just makes me sad that he thinks that they won't like him; he hasn't even given them a chance yet. My family knows about Andy and me. They approve of it and they never stopped me from talking or hanging out with him. All they care about is my happiness and that I still do well in college. That's it. I'm not going to force him to meet my family when he isn't ready to but I just wanted my family to know him and vice versa. Like I said, I want my relationship with Andy to be serious and it involves my family and friends too because they mean a great deal to me.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just letting this get to me too much or perhaps I'm on my period and my emotions are just running wild. I just really wish that he wouldn't be so afraid or uncomfortable.

rain, rain go away

I'm kidding actually. I do enjoy the rain when there's no thunder of course. I hate thunderstorms! I don't understand why I'm so afraid of thunder, it just scares me. I suppose I am just a safe, no loud sounds kind of girl. Sometimes I feel like the thunder is going to blow my ear drums and I am going to assume that will hurt. I stay away from anything that will hurt me. I am constantly flinching at everything, unless I was upset or really angry then maybe it would be more work to scare me off.

Well, its day 34203948 of searching for a job and I am unsuccessful. I found out this morning that Forever 21 at Maplewood Mall & MOA are hiring sooooo after dropping my sister off at her graduation rehearsal, I will be traveling all over the twin cities with my dearest boyfriend to drop off applications and possibly pick some up? I don't know yet. Right now, I don't know where else to look and its been such a stressful time for me. I will probably give Rainbow a few days before calling since the store manager said that he will be going through the applications on Monday. I wouldn't want my work to be rushed if I was the boss but we're all different so who knows. Um, on the good side of things, I got my orientation date confirmed - July 20. Check-in time will be from 8:00 - 8:30 AM. That means I have to get up SUPER early, maybe 6? on a tuesday to get ready then go to the U. I don't know if I will be driving and parking at the U or maybe I'll drop the car off at Andy's house and make him walk with me? I guess it all just depends on how early I get there. Walking would be great considering that there are a million pedestrians/bikers who so awesomely swarm the streets and it's impossible not to hit one.

So apparently my doctor is booked until September, which means I can't get an appointment to see her until then. I can get a lab done but if my thyroid level is down or up, they might have to change my prescription and all that crazy stuff so it's so much hassle and work but oh well. I need my pills anyway, its been too long since I've taken one and it's starting to take a toll on me. I have been extremely lethargic and lazy but that's just it. I'm not the worst of whatever out there but I guess we all have our own problems? I don't know.

Had JJ and watched old UFC fights with Andy last night. He was upset so I went over to cheer him up a little. His roommate is back so he won't have to worry about always being home alone and what not. It was a nice bonding time. We talked and what not. I'm starting to feel the relationship; it feels real now. I think that the many times I have been let down and ignored by him in the past made me skeptical of this relationship. I don't know why I tried so hard and what not but I guess now that I get what I want, I am happy with it. Sometimes I'm just scared that he'll just stop talking to me like how he did back then. I just don't want to get hurt, that's why at times I feel like how I did back then when it was just whatever. But it's different now. I can tell. He is a boyfriend now and not someone who might still be looking for something else.

I was texting Xai and the whole idea of me being happy because I'm with him now came up. I didn't question if I was happy or not. I am happy, extremely happy. I can't ask for anything or anyone else right now (other than a job of course) but everything is fine. I'm worrying too much! You know what, I'm just going to live with him day by day and we will see where it takes us. I will love him with all that I've got and give him all of me. He deserves it and we both don't want to be hurt. Even though we don't have much material wise, we have each other and that is all that matters :)

monday and a hotpocket

Today was a slow day. I got kind of excited because I thought that I would be able to register for classes today butttttt I guess I have a checklist to go through, which kind of blows. I have to do an online orientation, wait for my placement test results for french to come back, and then schedule a transfer student orientation. I'm going to go ahead and assume that all this won't be happening until later this month or possibly even next? Beezus! I wish things would hurry up. I'm going to give Rainbow a couple of days before I blow their phones but I hope they call me before I call them. Uggggh.

Last night was great. Andy took me out on a "date". It was spontaneous and cute. We saw Get Him to Greek and wow, that movie was funnnnnnny! I didn't think it was going to be that funny but it was and I think that Andy and I had a great time laughing. I miss him. I think I'm getting used to seeing him a lot and sleeping with him at night but I'm sure I'll see plenty of him this fall. Oh yeah, I had to turn down the apartment on 11th because it was just a sublease for the summer so whaaaatever. I'm sure it would have been weird to move in with 3 other girls who are already close with each other. I just wish a nice studio would open up so I wouldn't have to worry about roommates or what not. So much to stress out about. My phone bill is another thing to worry about too. :*(

I just found out that Xai will be gone for the rest of the summer possibly? Maybe until late July, well that's practically the whole summer. She will be in Milwaukee :( I am sad nooooooow. Boo hoooo hoooooooo! Well I just hope she has tons of fun and she will forget about the dumbass, piece of shit, good for nothing asshole! urrrrrrgh.

mad world

their tears are filling up their glasses

no expression, no expression

hide my head i wanna down my sorrow

no tomorrow, no tomorrow

I miss my friend Mario Lopez. I haven't talked with him forever now but he's busy doing his own thing & whatever. That song just reminded me of him . .

Anyway, I miss my bestestestestestest fraaaaaand! I haven't seen her since, monday? & I barely get to talk to her now but hopefully we'll get to hang out more before she goes back to Duluth & I stay here and attend the school of my dreams! hahah kidding about the school of my dreams, but I've always always always wanted to go there so I am extremely excited :) I will miss my dear Duluthians though!

Well my interview with Sears on Friday was a disaster. I didn't know that the sales associate position I applied for was for tools/lawn & garden care. The manager of the department was extremely handsome but I didn't even care anymore after I found out. I was just like what the fuuuuuuuck is this shit! I bet he was surprised to see a girl in stilettos applying for the position, so we all knew that was going down the drain. Whatever, I wouldn't have liked the job anyway because you get paid on commission so if you can't sell, well you ain't getting paid! I mean it was nice of him to give me a chance but I think after I said "half-ass" it all just went downhill from there. Oh well. Andy helped or more like he applied for a job FOR me at Rainbow Foods & they're looking for cashiers & I have extensive experience with that so hopefully they call and I get it. Even if its a shitty job, at least I've got something to do and a little income so I can get my own apartment.

I'm slightly upset because due to the lack of employment, I have lost TWO of the potential apartments that I wanted. The first one was a house on Cleveland Ave right across from the St. Paul campus for $300 (utilities included) AND I could have gotten the kitty I wanted, which couldn't have gotten better than that but unfortunately someone wanted it and got it so whatev! The second one was a studio on Raymond Ave, a block down from Cleveland Ave, for $325. Slow, no job me didn't get it either. I would not dare sign a lease without a job. I will not ask my parents for rent money, that's ridiculous. *sigh, I haven't been this stressed and frustrated for awhile now. Hopefully I get a call from Rainbow, sweep them off their feet, get hired, then find a nice place I can settle in, AND then finally register for classes. Maybe then I will feel better about myself but I am so close to seriously cutting my social life until I feel good. But I think I pretty much did already, uwlej;awgjlwekj;lejf. fuuuuuuck!

I just found out that Kayla is pregnant and will be getting married in a year. I am happy for her if she's happy but I used to remember how we would tease her for being a kid. She is so young! I miss those old days with the 4 of us but whatever, HC is a total skizzank now and Kayla is preggers. Just Xai & me left. Its alllllllllllll good. Its always been like that and I'm fine with it. She's the best friend anyone could ever ask for! :) I seriously don't know who I would be if we never became best friends.

rain, rain go awaaaaaaay! come back another day. i want to go work on my tan gurrrrl :) hahahaaa

you're still here

you looked at me and saw what i never could see

you made me be more than i thought i could ever be

and when i needed a friend

you were always there to lift me up

to make me strong, youre not gone

Right now, I don't know if I should feel like a terrible person or if I shouldn't care as much as I really do. I can't say that I'm at rock bottom but I feel like I am. I don't know what else to do but wait for something great to happen . . . wait for an answer. I'm waiting for an official yes from the U, a registration date, an interview that I hope I will do great on in order to get the job I need, money, a place to live, and a car. It's really frustrating and I feel like I have been waiting so long that my patience can no longer take this. I find myself in this struggle and I don't want to ask anyone for help. I don't know why I'm so stubborn but I want to be independent so bad. Now all I want to do is cry. I just hope that one day it'll turn around for the better. Hopefully soon because I don't know how long I will be able to wait anymore.

help me :'''(

dear Joe Mauer,

i want to tell you how much i love you. you are gorgeous in every way possible and the way you play your position is wonderfullllllllll. when you come up to bat, i cant help but yell out your name and cheer, cheer, CHEER for you! you are awesommme! i might sound a bit creepy but i love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu :)

hahahah

xoxo, padao