i made a mistake

I am ashamed and embarrassed and afraid to ask for help when I know that I need it more than anything. God, help me.

i'm amazed by you.

After watching Chanel, Giorgio Armani, Cristian Dior, Versace, and Jean Paul Gaultier's spring/summer 2011 fashion shows, I just realized that there is soooooooooooooooo much I still don't know about this world. This world of fashion, of art, of music, of passion, of love, of inspiration. I am so awed by everything that I have just watched tonight. There are so many different styles and such wonderful details that one would not want to miss. I am in loooooove. *sigh

Matteo Ceccarini's Petit Essai is such a great piece also!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i'll be me and you'll be you

Maybe I have let myself down and perhaps I am so close to losing everything that has ever mattered to me and probably I will pick myself up but right now, I don't know what's going to happen. I do know that there's nothing that I want more than my family, school, my best friend, and Andy. I honestly can't ask for anything more than what I have right now. I already have all that I want and after all the hard work I put in. I gave everything up; just like that. I know it sounds absurd and I myself can't even grasp who I could possibly let that happen.

After listening to a wonderful man's words last night, I have so much more confidence in myself than yesterday. I suppose in finding all that I would love, I forgot to love myself and by forgetting to love and care for myself, I lost interest in loving and caring about others. Isn't that sad? I find it a slap to the face. Getting so much out of everything, I just decided to up and quit... I always go for what I want but this time I let myself go and it just went for the worst.

I am going to pick myself up and I am going to do what I have planned for myself. Sure, things may suck at times but I can NEVER give up like how I just did recently. I felt like the shittiest person alive and even considered not living anymore. That's dumb really. I have so much more for me out there, I have so many doors yet to open, I have plenty of opportunities that are waiting just to be taken. I should appreciate myself and my life. I need to love myself and care about me. I want to be the best there could possibly be. Now, I feel like I'm on top of the world. I should feel like this all the time, even if I wake up one morning and feel like crap, I shouldn't bring myself down just because of one small feeling. The feeling of being loved, cared about, appreciated, successful is so, so, soooo much more than feeling like shit.

Thank you Andy for standing by me through this horrid period of my life. I have the utmost respect and love for you. xoxo

nothing is real

I don't know if it's because I haven't been taking my prescribed medication or whatever but I have been so out of it. I feel like all I want and care about is sleep. I don't care about friends or how anyone feels. I'm just hungry and tired. I don't care about school or how I'm doing. I just want to be alone.

I feel so shitty right now.

gaga for gaga

Reason being why I haven't blogged in forever is that my laptop is sort of dead. It isn't really dead but the screen is cracked and I haven't found the time to fix it so it's just sitting around. I should really take it in some time soon considering school is coming up. If I haven't mentioned it already, I'm all set for my first semester at the U. I am excited and scared and nervous and ecstatic all at the same time. I'm not able to sign up for ASL because I was an idiot and decided that I wouldn't need to remember ASL over the summer. I knew I should have taken a summer course! I extremely regret it right now - well actually, there are A LOT of things I do regret as of now. NOT saving money, so I won't be able to move out. NOT taking a summer ASL course, so I won't be able to take a course this fall. And, I don't know what else but that's all I can think of for now.

I will be living at home this fall and I suppose leaving my car at Andy's will be the wisest idea. I have to purchase a bus pass in order to take the bus to and from Andy's house to school. I can walk too but that wouldn't be the smartest thing to do during the winter; my toes will freeze and then fall off. Oh yes, I got season tickets to the Gopher football games. I know squat about football but I'm sure it will be fun just to go to. '

Officially back at Cub and no longer an employee of Rainbow. I feel really bad for just skipping out on them but oh well, I really can't work two jobs at once no matter how much I will want to. I mean sure, I could have probably figured the schedules out and what not but physically, I won't be able to. I have the body of an 80-year old, which is very sad. I am for sure planning to go to the gym once school starts - I'm paying for it so I might as well go, right? That's the logic in things.

Xai moved her stuff to Duluth already. I'm sort of sad I won't be going back to UMD but oh well, I've wanted what I've got now for so long now. I shouldn't look back. I am happy though. I've got a job, a car, a wonderful boyfriend, the bestest bff anyone can have, a supportive not-so-much-on-my-back anymore family, and I'm doing well.

Though I am extremely tired; I need to request a refill soon! Anyway, blog soon.

i'm like the rain in a downpour

So much has happened and I have been so busy with work, family, boyfriend, and XAI came baaaack! We went out for dinner at Olive Garden then headed over to Tanners to play bad volleyball with Daisy & co. It was fun but she had to go home early and I had to pick Villai up from her boyfriend's.

Anyway, work sucks. I think that I've complained about it every single day. The only day that I enjoyed it was the day I had a 4-hour shift. I think that's the maximum time anyone can spend working in a grocery store! I just go nuts from ALL the nuts who come in. I don't know. I just wished I got my job at Cub back so I wouldn't have to be so wlejf;lwefh;lkew about this one. I had an interview with Heritage and welllll, it just didn't happen. I get a lot of hours at Rainbow but I just can't stand it. Oh well, whatever. I suppose if I can live off of it then I'll be fine. It just sucks having to do something so ridiculous for money, to be able to live. I guess that's why I'm in college, right? Right. It'll be all over one day. I'll be working my dream job and I won't have to worry about waking up every day just to go to work. I have to convince and push myself out the door and into the car to drive to work.

Andy and I went to Lake Calhoun and Mall of America on Saturday. That for sure was the highlight of my week! I worked every single day that week and I needed a break so bad. Other than that I've just been working like a maniac. Lumberjack Days in Stillwater is coming up so I hope that I don't have to work!

The Twins are playing horribly. They've won a couple of games but that's not enough to put them back in 1st OR 2nd. Uggh, pick it up you guys!

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Right now, I wish I was really far away from here. I can't wait until school starts.