nothing without you

I don't know where I have been this past 5 months. I feel like I know what I want and what I am doing but apparently I don't. I feel lost in a sea of other monsters whom love to take more than give. I have been ashamed and embarrassed by the one I love. I have gone to the ends of the world with this person I cherish. And I come out as "[his] real bitchy girlfriend".

Where I stand in his life now makes no difference. I have seriously got to get myself together. Everything I have ever done has been half-assed. There has been no real attempt to be 110% at something. Even I'm failing in the one thing I most wanted - our relationship. I vow to myself that starting today, I will do my best and try my hardest at every thing I attempt to do or in an

y relationship I am in.

I finally came to the realization on why I don't have friends. I don't open myself up enough for people to approach me and have a comfortable conversation. I limit my visitations and appearances at events. I am too protective of myself. I don't want to get hurt emotionally and physically. I love drama but not in my life. I need too much attention to pay any to others. I only care about myself and what I want. I am a selfish person. I am lazy and not determined. I am a pathetic excuse. I feel sorry for myself. I really do...

I don't want to be like that anymore. I don't want to ever have to say that about myself anymore. I want to be the most open, friendly, patient, empathetic person alive. I want to be strong, motivated, and independent. I want to be resilient. I want to be

liked and I want to like.

I have to learn how to admit to my mistakes and own up to them. I have to have courage and I have to be honest. With myself, with others. I need to become the person who I want to be, not the person I am now.

Most importantly, I need to learn to love myself.

* the one person who has stood behind me even when I have failed,

the one person who has pushed me back up,

the one person who has held back tears and angry words just to see me happy,

the one person who has given up because of me....

Andy, I will always love you & I'm sorry.

unfortunately.

Soooooooooooooo, Andy is pissed because the Ugg boots he ordered me never got to his house even though his tracking number said that it was dropped off in front of his house. I mean I would be upset also., well I am upset now. I'm just more upset that he wasted $150 on nothing. I can always get them later for myself but the fact that it's all gone now just really suck. He was so excited to give them to me also. Boy, ohhhhhhhhhh boy.

Anyway, I would die for a pair of these right now:

yeah!! I know right? uggggggh, they are SUPER cute. I would wear them everyday for the rest of my life if I could hahah. they are ALMOST as cute as Joe Mauer ;)

they don't understand

I don't understand why I'm so afraid to lose the most important thing in my life. Makes a lot of sense, doesn't it? I find it so hard to keep my head up and it seems like every day, I just fall further and further into nothing. I've failed everyone around me. I've failed myself. What else is there possibly for me to do?

I don't have the strength to do this anymore. What's the point?

i made a mistake

I am ashamed and embarrassed and afraid to ask for help when I know that I need it more than anything. God, help me.

i'm amazed by you.

After watching Chanel, Giorgio Armani, Cristian Dior, Versace, and Jean Paul Gaultier's spring/summer 2011 fashion shows, I just realized that there is soooooooooooooooo much I still don't know about this world. This world of fashion, of art, of music, of passion, of love, of inspiration. I am so awed by everything that I have just watched tonight. There are so many different styles and such wonderful details that one would not want to miss. I am in loooooove. *sigh

Matteo Ceccarini's Petit Essai is such a great piece also!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i'll be me and you'll be you

Maybe I have let myself down and perhaps I am so close to losing everything that has ever mattered to me and probably I will pick myself up but right now, I don't know what's going to happen. I do know that there's nothing that I want more than my family, school, my best friend, and Andy. I honestly can't ask for anything more than what I have right now. I already have all that I want and after all the hard work I put in. I gave everything up; just like that. I know it sounds absurd and I myself can't even grasp who I could possibly let that happen.

After listening to a wonderful man's words last night, I have so much more confidence in myself than yesterday. I suppose in finding all that I would love, I forgot to love myself and by forgetting to love and care for myself, I lost interest in loving and caring about others. Isn't that sad? I find it a slap to the face. Getting so much out of everything, I just decided to up and quit... I always go for what I want but this time I let myself go and it just went for the worst.

I am going to pick myself up and I am going to do what I have planned for myself. Sure, things may suck at times but I can NEVER give up like how I just did recently. I felt like the shittiest person alive and even considered not living anymore. That's dumb really. I have so much more for me out there, I have so many doors yet to open, I have plenty of opportunities that are waiting just to be taken. I should appreciate myself and my life. I need to love myself and care about me. I want to be the best there could possibly be. Now, I feel like I'm on top of the world. I should feel like this all the time, even if I wake up one morning and feel like crap, I shouldn't bring myself down just because of one small feeling. The feeling of being loved, cared about, appreciated, successful is so, so, soooo much more than feeling like shit.

Thank you Andy for standing by me through this horrid period of my life. I have the utmost respect and love for you. xoxo

nothing is real

I don't know if it's because I haven't been taking my prescribed medication or whatever but I have been so out of it. I feel like all I want and care about is sleep. I don't care about friends or how anyone feels. I'm just hungry and tired. I don't care about school or how I'm doing. I just want to be alone.

I feel so shitty right now.