unfortunately.

Soooooooooooooo, Andy is pissed because the Ugg boots he ordered me never got to his house even though his tracking number said that it was dropped off in front of his house. I mean I would be upset also., well I am upset now. I'm just more upset that he wasted $150 on nothing. I can always get them later for myself but the fact that it's all gone now just really suck. He was so excited to give them to me also. Boy, ohhhhhhhhhh boy.

Anyway, I would die for a pair of these right now:

yeah!! I know right? uggggggh, they are SUPER cute. I would wear them everyday for the rest of my life if I could hahah. they are ALMOST as cute as Joe Mauer ;)

they don't understand

I don't understand why I'm so afraid to lose the most important thing in my life. Makes a lot of sense, doesn't it? I find it so hard to keep my head up and it seems like every day, I just fall further and further into nothing. I've failed everyone around me. I've failed myself. What else is there possibly for me to do?

I don't have the strength to do this anymore. What's the point?

i made a mistake

I am ashamed and embarrassed and afraid to ask for help when I know that I need it more than anything. God, help me.

i'm amazed by you.

After watching Chanel, Giorgio Armani, Cristian Dior, Versace, and Jean Paul Gaultier's spring/summer 2011 fashion shows, I just realized that there is soooooooooooooooo much I still don't know about this world. This world of fashion, of art, of music, of passion, of love, of inspiration. I am so awed by everything that I have just watched tonight. There are so many different styles and such wonderful details that one would not want to miss. I am in loooooove. *sigh

Matteo Ceccarini's Petit Essai is such a great piece also!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i'll be me and you'll be you

Maybe I have let myself down and perhaps I am so close to losing everything that has ever mattered to me and probably I will pick myself up but right now, I don't know what's going to happen. I do know that there's nothing that I want more than my family, school, my best friend, and Andy. I honestly can't ask for anything more than what I have right now. I already have all that I want and after all the hard work I put in. I gave everything up; just like that. I know it sounds absurd and I myself can't even grasp who I could possibly let that happen.

After listening to a wonderful man's words last night, I have so much more confidence in myself than yesterday. I suppose in finding all that I would love, I forgot to love myself and by forgetting to love and care for myself, I lost interest in loving and caring about others. Isn't that sad? I find it a slap to the face. Getting so much out of everything, I just decided to up and quit... I always go for what I want but this time I let myself go and it just went for the worst.

I am going to pick myself up and I am going to do what I have planned for myself. Sure, things may suck at times but I can NEVER give up like how I just did recently. I felt like the shittiest person alive and even considered not living anymore. That's dumb really. I have so much more for me out there, I have so many doors yet to open, I have plenty of opportunities that are waiting just to be taken. I should appreciate myself and my life. I need to love myself and care about me. I want to be the best there could possibly be. Now, I feel like I'm on top of the world. I should feel like this all the time, even if I wake up one morning and feel like crap, I shouldn't bring myself down just because of one small feeling. The feeling of being loved, cared about, appreciated, successful is so, so, soooo much more than feeling like shit.

Thank you Andy for standing by me through this horrid period of my life. I have the utmost respect and love for you. xoxo

nothing is real

I don't know if it's because I haven't been taking my prescribed medication or whatever but I have been so out of it. I feel like all I want and care about is sleep. I don't care about friends or how anyone feels. I'm just hungry and tired. I don't care about school or how I'm doing. I just want to be alone.

I feel so shitty right now.

gaga for gaga

Reason being why I haven't blogged in forever is that my laptop is sort of dead. It isn't really dead but the screen is cracked and I haven't found the time to fix it so it's just sitting around. I should really take it in some time soon considering school is coming up. If I haven't mentioned it already, I'm all set for my first semester at the U. I am excited and scared and nervous and ecstatic all at the same time. I'm not able to sign up for ASL because I was an idiot and decided that I wouldn't need to remember ASL over the summer. I knew I should have taken a summer course! I extremely regret it right now - well actually, there are A LOT of things I do regret as of now. NOT saving money, so I won't be able to move out. NOT taking a summer ASL course, so I won't be able to take a course this fall. And, I don't know what else but that's all I can think of for now.

I will be living at home this fall and I suppose leaving my car at Andy's will be the wisest idea. I have to purchase a bus pass in order to take the bus to and from Andy's house to school. I can walk too but that wouldn't be the smartest thing to do during the winter; my toes will freeze and then fall off. Oh yes, I got season tickets to the Gopher football games. I know squat about football but I'm sure it will be fun just to go to. '

Officially back at Cub and no longer an employee of Rainbow. I feel really bad for just skipping out on them but oh well, I really can't work two jobs at once no matter how much I will want to. I mean sure, I could have probably figured the schedules out and what not but physically, I won't be able to. I have the body of an 80-year old, which is very sad. I am for sure planning to go to the gym once school starts - I'm paying for it so I might as well go, right? That's the logic in things.

Xai moved her stuff to Duluth already. I'm sort of sad I won't be going back to UMD but oh well, I've wanted what I've got now for so long now. I shouldn't look back. I am happy though. I've got a job, a car, a wonderful boyfriend, the bestest bff anyone can have, a supportive not-so-much-on-my-back anymore family, and I'm doing well.

Though I am extremely tired; I need to request a refill soon! Anyway, blog soon.