i miss you so much

the lonely

2 AM, where do I begin.

crying off my face again.

I may have just ruined any possible chances of being friends with Andy. But it's okay because he doesn't need a piece of shit like me in his life. I have ruined everything for me. I have let him down. I have stabbed his back multiple times. I thought that I was the perfect girlfriend but unfortunately I was blinded by my own selfish thoughts and needs. I am a horrible, horrible person. It's all my fault that we're even in this situation.

Now there's only me. I honestly don't know where to start with myself. I am in such a mess. I seriously need to get my shit together. All I care about now is sleeping or laying in bed with ice cream, P.S. I Love You, and a box of Kleenex.

This is ridiculous but I have no hope for me. I need confidence. I need to find myself. I need to go into my closet and find where I put my independence because hell, I'm going to need it. Nobody said it was easy, right?

the end

is today.

i guess this is the best that we can both do. i shouldn't cry because i know that it won't get any better than this. we tried. we did our best.

better to have loved than not. good luck Andy. i wish you the best and always. i will forever be your friend as long as you let me. thanks for everything.

you made it now

I don't know where I stand right now as a person. I feel so lost by myself but with others around me, I don't even know who I am. Sometimes I wish I had an answer key that I could just look at. Life itself is already confusing and I honestly thought that I had my life figured out - that I already know what I want. When I hear other college students talk about how they don't know what to do yet, I feel happy but right now, I'm in the same situation.

I feel like I'm going to break down every second that I stop to think about things.

My situation with Andy isn't going anywhere either. We have big fights every single week and now I can't take it anymore. I don't want this with him. I want a fun relationship with lots of laughter and joy and we can't even have that. I'm depressed and this is just killing the both of us.

He doesn't talk to me like he does to his friends. He doesn't tell me what's going on in his life and where he is and how he feels. When he has problems, he doesn't even come to me. I feel like I'm just there to fill time and to fill his void of not having a lot of friends. I don't know what else I can say to him. He doesn't even want to talk about this and if we don't, it's never going to fix anything.

I feel like he tries so hard, maybe even TOO hard to be happy with me. It's not supposed to be like that. It's supposed to be natural, it's supposed to come out because he's feeling it, not because he's making himself feel it.

why do i feel that it's my fault?

i just want to fix it somehow

but how many times will it take to get it right? .. .

As of recently, I have had numerous battles with myself on what I want to do with my life. I am not talented with whatever so I obviously can't quit school and become a professional swimmer or whatever. All I have and can actually do good at is school but lately I have been doing a really shitty job. I don't know why I feel like I'm just a big failure. I can't even understand what's going on in my head, which makes it the more hard to understand what my professor is talking about in phonetics.

I have been a real shit person. I wish things didn't have to be like this.

nothing without you

I don't know where I have been this past 5 months. I feel like I know what I want and what I am doing but apparently I don't. I feel lost in a sea of other monsters whom love to take more than give. I have been ashamed and embarrassed by the one I love. I have gone to the ends of the world with this person I cherish. And I come out as "[his] real bitchy girlfriend".

Where I stand in his life now makes no difference. I have seriously got to get myself together. Everything I have ever done has been half-assed. There has been no real attempt to be 110% at something. Even I'm failing in the one thing I most wanted - our relationship. I vow to myself that starting today, I will do my best and try my hardest at every thing I attempt to do or in an

y relationship I am in.

I finally came to the realization on why I don't have friends. I don't open myself up enough for people to approach me and have a comfortable conversation. I limit my visitations and appearances at events. I am too protective of myself. I don't want to get hurt emotionally and physically. I love drama but not in my life. I need too much attention to pay any to others. I only care about myself and what I want. I am a selfish person. I am lazy and not determined. I am a pathetic excuse. I feel sorry for myself. I really do...

I don't want to be like that anymore. I don't want to ever have to say that about myself anymore. I want to be the most open, friendly, patient, empathetic person alive. I want to be strong, motivated, and independent. I want to be resilient. I want to be

liked and I want to like.

I have to learn how to admit to my mistakes and own up to them. I have to have courage and I have to be honest. With myself, with others. I need to become the person who I want to be, not the person I am now.

Most importantly, I need to learn to love myself.

* the one person who has stood behind me even when I have failed,

the one person who has pushed me back up,

the one person who has held back tears and angry words just to see me happy,

the one person who has given up because of me....

Andy, I will always love you & I'm sorry.

unfortunately.

Soooooooooooooo, Andy is pissed because the Ugg boots he ordered me never got to his house even though his tracking number said that it was dropped off in front of his house. I mean I would be upset also., well I am upset now. I'm just more upset that he wasted $150 on nothing. I can always get them later for myself but the fact that it's all gone now just really suck. He was so excited to give them to me also. Boy, ohhhhhhhhhh boy.

Anyway, I would die for a pair of these right now:

yeah!! I know right? uggggggh, they are SUPER cute. I would wear them everyday for the rest of my life if I could hahah. they are ALMOST as cute as Joe Mauer ;)

they don't understand

I don't understand why I'm so afraid to lose the most important thing in my life. Makes a lot of sense, doesn't it? I find it so hard to keep my head up and it seems like every day, I just fall further and further into nothing. I've failed everyone around me. I've failed myself. What else is there possibly for me to do?

I don't have the strength to do this anymore. What's the point?

i made a mistake

I am ashamed and embarrassed and afraid to ask for help when I know that I need it more than anything. God, help me.

i'm amazed by you.

After watching Chanel, Giorgio Armani, Cristian Dior, Versace, and Jean Paul Gaultier's spring/summer 2011 fashion shows, I just realized that there is soooooooooooooooo much I still don't know about this world. This world of fashion, of art, of music, of passion, of love, of inspiration. I am so awed by everything that I have just watched tonight. There are so many different styles and such wonderful details that one would not want to miss. I am in loooooove. *sigh

Matteo Ceccarini's Petit Essai is such a great piece also!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i'll be me and you'll be you

Maybe I have let myself down and perhaps I am so close to losing everything that has ever mattered to me and probably I will pick myself up but right now, I don't know what's going to happen. I do know that there's nothing that I want more than my family, school, my best friend, and Andy. I honestly can't ask for anything more than what I have right now. I already have all that I want and after all the hard work I put in. I gave everything up; just like that. I know it sounds absurd and I myself can't even grasp who I could possibly let that happen.

After listening to a wonderful man's words last night, I have so much more confidence in myself than yesterday. I suppose in finding all that I would love, I forgot to love myself and by forgetting to love and care for myself, I lost interest in loving and caring about others. Isn't that sad? I find it a slap to the face. Getting so much out of everything, I just decided to up and quit... I always go for what I want but this time I let myself go and it just went for the worst.

I am going to pick myself up and I am going to do what I have planned for myself. Sure, things may suck at times but I can NEVER give up like how I just did recently. I felt like the shittiest person alive and even considered not living anymore. That's dumb really. I have so much more for me out there, I have so many doors yet to open, I have plenty of opportunities that are waiting just to be taken. I should appreciate myself and my life. I need to love myself and care about me. I want to be the best there could possibly be. Now, I feel like I'm on top of the world. I should feel like this all the time, even if I wake up one morning and feel like crap, I shouldn't bring myself down just because of one small feeling. The feeling of being loved, cared about, appreciated, successful is so, so, soooo much more than feeling like shit.

Thank you Andy for standing by me through this horrid period of my life. I have the utmost respect and love for you. xoxo

nothing is real

I don't know if it's because I haven't been taking my prescribed medication or whatever but I have been so out of it. I feel like all I want and care about is sleep. I don't care about friends or how anyone feels. I'm just hungry and tired. I don't care about school or how I'm doing. I just want to be alone.

I feel so shitty right now.

gaga for gaga

Reason being why I haven't blogged in forever is that my laptop is sort of dead. It isn't really dead but the screen is cracked and I haven't found the time to fix it so it's just sitting around. I should really take it in some time soon considering school is coming up. If I haven't mentioned it already, I'm all set for my first semester at the U. I am excited and scared and nervous and ecstatic all at the same time. I'm not able to sign up for ASL because I was an idiot and decided that I wouldn't need to remember ASL over the summer. I knew I should have taken a summer course! I extremely regret it right now - well actually, there are A LOT of things I do regret as of now. NOT saving money, so I won't be able to move out. NOT taking a summer ASL course, so I won't be able to take a course this fall. And, I don't know what else but that's all I can think of for now.

I will be living at home this fall and I suppose leaving my car at Andy's will be the wisest idea. I have to purchase a bus pass in order to take the bus to and from Andy's house to school. I can walk too but that wouldn't be the smartest thing to do during the winter; my toes will freeze and then fall off. Oh yes, I got season tickets to the Gopher football games. I know squat about football but I'm sure it will be fun just to go to. '

Officially back at Cub and no longer an employee of Rainbow. I feel really bad for just skipping out on them but oh well, I really can't work two jobs at once no matter how much I will want to. I mean sure, I could have probably figured the schedules out and what not but physically, I won't be able to. I have the body of an 80-year old, which is very sad. I am for sure planning to go to the gym once school starts - I'm paying for it so I might as well go, right? That's the logic in things.

Xai moved her stuff to Duluth already. I'm sort of sad I won't be going back to UMD but oh well, I've wanted what I've got now for so long now. I shouldn't look back. I am happy though. I've got a job, a car, a wonderful boyfriend, the bestest bff anyone can have, a supportive not-so-much-on-my-back anymore family, and I'm doing well.

Though I am extremely tired; I need to request a refill soon! Anyway, blog soon.

i'm like the rain in a downpour

So much has happened and I have been so busy with work, family, boyfriend, and XAI came baaaack! We went out for dinner at Olive Garden then headed over to Tanners to play bad volleyball with Daisy & co. It was fun but she had to go home early and I had to pick Villai up from her boyfriend's.

Anyway, work sucks. I think that I've complained about it every single day. The only day that I enjoyed it was the day I had a 4-hour shift. I think that's the maximum time anyone can spend working in a grocery store! I just go nuts from ALL the nuts who come in. I don't know. I just wished I got my job at Cub back so I wouldn't have to be so wlejf;lwefh;lkew about this one. I had an interview with Heritage and welllll, it just didn't happen. I get a lot of hours at Rainbow but I just can't stand it. Oh well, whatever. I suppose if I can live off of it then I'll be fine. It just sucks having to do something so ridiculous for money, to be able to live. I guess that's why I'm in college, right? Right. It'll be all over one day. I'll be working my dream job and I won't have to worry about waking up every day just to go to work. I have to convince and push myself out the door and into the car to drive to work.

Andy and I went to Lake Calhoun and Mall of America on Saturday. That for sure was the highlight of my week! I worked every single day that week and I needed a break so bad. Other than that I've just been working like a maniac. Lumberjack Days in Stillwater is coming up so I hope that I don't have to work!

The Twins are playing horribly. They've won a couple of games but that's not enough to put them back in 1st OR 2nd. Uggh, pick it up you guys!

ialwfgeklj

Right now, I wish I was really far away from here. I can't wait until school starts.

so much for the perfect bod

Uggggggh! I cannot express how frustrated I am with myself. I was supposed to work out and get that summer beach bod that I have wanted for so dang long! Instead of shopping when I'm upset, I should work out or something. I mean, yeah it makes me feel better about myself but I just can't find the motivation and drive to actually do it. I need someone to be there and to do it with me and the only other person who can do that is Andy BUT he gets upset when I slow down or quit when I'm tired, which I do a lot! Oh well, I just found this 6-week + program that is my level and I can probably do. It's every other day so I wouldn't have to worry about being so tired. I can probably pick it up and do it every day when I get better at this exercising thing. I guess when school starts, Andy will probably drag me to the gym so I wouldn't have to worry about that.

Anyway, today went well. My feet were sooooooo tired! I suppose wearing flats on a hard floor isn't the smartest especially after a long time of not standing up for so long! All I did today was put cheese on crackers and scooped the deli's steakhouse potato salad into a little sample cup. It wasn't bad, minus the 6 hours of standing but I guess I can't complain. I would have done that than cashier, its quite the busy weekend since it's a holiday but I'm glad I don't have to work this weekend. I'm watching UFC 115 w/ Andy & his friends tomorrow - its the Lesnar & Carwin fight so it's going to be huge.

I'm a tired gurrrrrrl, so peace out! ;)

Bieber fever!!!!!!!!

Justin Bieber was in the cities yesterday and unfortunately I didn't get tickets to go see him. It would have made my life but oh well, I'll get over it eventually hahah. Anyway, my best friend won't be home until August soooooo I won't get to see Eclipse until then but I'm excited to see Taylor Lautner :) I haven't gone out much and I really want to go out but we'll see what happens, I might go out Friday night with Xai's sisters but we'll see. I don't have anything to wear yet.

I start work Friday as demo lady in the deli - sounds fun doesn't it? Oh well, at least I'm starting and it's something. I have been so tired lately but I took a thousand naps today so I shouldn't be. It sucks but whatever. I just want this weekend to hurry up and be done with. I need my parents back home, taking care of 4 kids can get overwhelming so I can understand why my mother goes crazy sometimes.

Well, I picked up a book at the library and it's great so far. I should probably keep on reading. I don't want to fall back and forget about it.

oh me. oh my.

Well tomorrow is the big day. I start my first day of training at Rainbow tomorrow. Oh yeah, I haven't blogged for awhile but I got an offer from Rainbow and Gap. Sadly, I turned Gap down since it was a little too far from home and I was just a temp for the meanwhile. Anyway, I'm kind of excited and meh at the same time. I will be working an 8-hour shift tomorrow and by the time I get off, Andy will be at work. Pffft, I haven't worked forever now so it will be strange and I will be lazy, yes but hopefully things will go by fast and easy!

Ugh, I didn't know looking for a place to live would be so much work! I have to take everything into consideration! Of course I'll need to find a place that I can afford. Okay, so here's what I'll need to add up in order to find a place to live:

rent (obviously) - $350 to $400 +

food, gas, shopping for the hell of it - $250+

bills - $100, give or take - i'll be switching over to VW, so hopefully that will go down!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

overall, that adds up to about 700$. I will probably make less than 500$ a month, I might take out extra on my loans to make ends meet. *sigh, so much money! :/ I guess I will have to sacrafice a little and not spend so much leisurely but fuuuuuuck :'''(

the hardest part

I think that I have trouble doing things for myself. Even though I can be selfish at times, I always feel bad when I don't do something for someone else. Everything I do for myself, I always have to balance it out by doing something for another person. I also have a hard time saying no. I am a huge pushover and especially if I care a lot about that person, I would do so much to make them happy and I would forget about myself. Over the years I have been trying to change that - to do more for me than others. I don't think it's changing much but I suppose it takes time. But then again, I have done this all my life and I don't think that I will be able to change it.

I'm always the nice girl that everyone can ask a favor from. Sometimes I just don't want to be that nice girl anymore but I can't help it because I love helping others and I especially love it when they are happy. I'm not going to say that I'm not happy because I am! I mean sure, things could be better but whatev, I am going to appreciate what I have now. I can't wish and hope that money will grow on trees and no one will starve and there will be world peace and no more wars and everyone will love each other no matter how they look, talk, or smell. I want ALL of that to be true but if I become another cold, heartless, selfish person = ALL of that will never happen. It will never be in the works of happening.

Why can't everything just be good? :/

late night drives

I don't know about you but I love driving late at night. I do get tired some times but on those nights when I'm wide awake and there is so much on my mind, I just like to go out and cruise down the street. I also love it when others are driving and I'm just sitting there staring off into the horizon. It's time like those when I feel so at rest and peaceful.

So, good news - the store manager at Rainbow had me go in to fill out a sheet for a background check and if it comes back positive then he is going to make me a job offer. Since I don't live the life of crimes, I might be a future employee of Rainbow Foods. Not exactly the dream job anyone would want but it's something for now and it is giving me some pocket money so I'm not complaining too much. Gap says they'll let us know by tomorrow night so we'll see how that goes.

Andy's mom, Kathy, is moving out friday so I will be heading to Stillwater for the day. I don't know what else I will be doing this weekend but probably not much. The 'rents are leaving for vaca tomorrow so I wish them a fun and safe trip to the west coast! I am super tired and I have a long day tomorrow so blog later :)