i miss you so much

the lonely

2 AM, where do I begin.

crying off my face again.

I may have just ruined any possible chances of being friends with Andy. But it's okay because he doesn't need a piece of shit like me in his life. I have ruined everything for me. I have let him down. I have stabbed his back multiple times. I thought that I was the perfect girlfriend but unfortunately I was blinded by my own selfish thoughts and needs. I am a horrible, horrible person. It's all my fault that we're even in this situation.

Now there's only me. I honestly don't know where to start with myself. I am in such a mess. I seriously need to get my shit together. All I care about now is sleeping or laying in bed with ice cream, P.S. I Love You, and a box of Kleenex.

This is ridiculous but I have no hope for me. I need confidence. I need to find myself. I need to go into my closet and find where I put my independence because hell, I'm going to need it. Nobody said it was easy, right?

the end

is today.

i guess this is the best that we can both do. i shouldn't cry because i know that it won't get any better than this. we tried. we did our best.

better to have loved than not. good luck Andy. i wish you the best and always. i will forever be your friend as long as you let me. thanks for everything.

you made it now

I don't know where I stand right now as a person. I feel so lost by myself but with others around me, I don't even know who I am. Sometimes I wish I had an answer key that I could just look at. Life itself is already confusing and I honestly thought that I had my life figured out - that I already know what I want. When I hear other college students talk about how they don't know what to do yet, I feel happy but right now, I'm in the same situation.

I feel like I'm going to break down every second that I stop to think about things.

My situation with Andy isn't going anywhere either. We have big fights every single week and now I can't take it anymore. I don't want this with him. I want a fun relationship with lots of laughter and joy and we can't even have that. I'm depressed and this is just killing the both of us.

He doesn't talk to me like he does to his friends. He doesn't tell me what's going on in his life and where he is and how he feels. When he has problems, he doesn't even come to me. I feel like I'm just there to fill time and to fill his void of not having a lot of friends. I don't know what else I can say to him. He doesn't even want to talk about this and if we don't, it's never going to fix anything.

I feel like he tries so hard, maybe even TOO hard to be happy with me. It's not supposed to be like that. It's supposed to be natural, it's supposed to come out because he's feeling it, not because he's making himself feel it.

why do i feel that it's my fault?

i just want to fix it somehow

but how many times will it take to get it right? .. .

As of recently, I have had numerous battles with myself on what I want to do with my life. I am not talented with whatever so I obviously can't quit school and become a professional swimmer or whatever. All I have and can actually do good at is school but lately I have been doing a really shitty job. I don't know why I feel like I'm just a big failure. I can't even understand what's going on in my head, which makes it the more hard to understand what my professor is talking about in phonetics.

I have been a real shit person. I wish things didn't have to be like this.

nothing without you

I don't know where I have been this past 5 months. I feel like I know what I want and what I am doing but apparently I don't. I feel lost in a sea of other monsters whom love to take more than give. I have been ashamed and embarrassed by the one I love. I have gone to the ends of the world with this person I cherish. And I come out as "[his] real bitchy girlfriend".

Where I stand in his life now makes no difference. I have seriously got to get myself together. Everything I have ever done has been half-assed. There has been no real attempt to be 110% at something. Even I'm failing in the one thing I most wanted - our relationship. I vow to myself that starting today, I will do my best and try my hardest at every thing I attempt to do or in an

y relationship I am in.

I finally came to the realization on why I don't have friends. I don't open myself up enough for people to approach me and have a comfortable conversation. I limit my visitations and appearances at events. I am too protective of myself. I don't want to get hurt emotionally and physically. I love drama but not in my life. I need too much attention to pay any to others. I only care about myself and what I want. I am a selfish person. I am lazy and not determined. I am a pathetic excuse. I feel sorry for myself. I really do...

I don't want to be like that anymore. I don't want to ever have to say that about myself anymore. I want to be the most open, friendly, patient, empathetic person alive. I want to be strong, motivated, and independent. I want to be resilient. I want to be

liked and I want to like.

I have to learn how to admit to my mistakes and own up to them. I have to have courage and I have to be honest. With myself, with others. I need to become the person who I want to be, not the person I am now.

Most importantly, I need to learn to love myself.

* the one person who has stood behind me even when I have failed,

the one person who has pushed me back up,

the one person who has held back tears and angry words just to see me happy,

the one person who has given up because of me....

Andy, I will always love you & I'm sorry.

unfortunately.

Soooooooooooooo, Andy is pissed because the Ugg boots he ordered me never got to his house even though his tracking number said that it was dropped off in front of his house. I mean I would be upset also., well I am upset now. I'm just more upset that he wasted $150 on nothing. I can always get them later for myself but the fact that it's all gone now just really suck. He was so excited to give them to me also. Boy, ohhhhhhhhhh boy.

Anyway, I would die for a pair of these right now:

yeah!! I know right? uggggggh, they are SUPER cute. I would wear them everyday for the rest of my life if I could hahah. they are ALMOST as cute as Joe Mauer ;)